That Thing Called Heartbreak

Ah yes, a broken heart. One of the most common causes of mental and psychological imbalance from ages 13-36. lmao. In all seriousness though, heartbreak is a b****. Does anybody ever deserve it?… Whenever I sit down anywhere, I look at other people and observe what they’re doing. I look at how they walk, how they talk and how they move to uncover what sort of emotions they are going through at that very time. I look at their eyes to see if they can reveal what stories lay there screaming, waiting to burst out and explode. I’m sure that everybody has their own story to tell when it comes to the matters of the heart and I’m sure that each story is unique in its own way that only the owner of the story can ever understand what it truly means. If you think about it, every person that has ever existed in this world has or had their own story to tell when it comes to love… Stories of joy, of sadness, of anger, of hate, of regret… Stories that are never forgotten. To the author of my broken heart, thank you for my story.

I’ve been in and out of several relationships and I think it’s fair to say that each experience is always different. There are times when you know how much you’re in love and there are times where you hardly give a damn in a relationship. Sometimes you’re aware of what you’re getting into but sometimes you go nuts and let the claws of love get on the wheel and drive you to your destruction. I’ve broken hearts before and I’ve had my heart broken as well. I’m sorry and not sorry at the same time for all of the wrong things that I’ve done. I mean.. saying sorry is actually an illusion if you think about it. Whenever you say sorry, you’re just giving comfort to the one you’re giving it to for something which you can never undo. Yeah you can try to fix something but it will never be the same as it was before.

“I’m sorry because I never wanted you to feel that way or hurt you but I’m not sorry that I did it because precisely of the fact that I did it means I wanted it”… is what we should be saying.

After time passes and you actually get to look back and think about everything that has happened, you can actually say that it was just, life… happening at that time. Neither one of you in the relationship every intended to hurt the other. It’s just that circumstances from that time prevented you from being in the relationship for much longer than either of you could bear.

Love is a tricky thing. As you get more experienced at it, you find that it loses its novelty and magic more and more. There are a few though that have had the fortune of being in love only once. They’re the lucky ones. The ones who get to believe in magic for the rest of their life… I think that in reality, love never actually loses its magical properties for each new relationship you get into. It’s just that the person feeling the emotion has grown accustomed to the fact that they’re getting it, just like a drug. The more you take painkillers for example, the more your body will grow into it until you don’t feel its effects any more. Trust me when I say that this is true since I’ve experienced this first hand. But that doesn’t mean you can’t regain the magic that you felt that was once there before. Someone special might come along and open your heart to new wonders. After all, love works in mysterious ways. Pardon the cliché but it IS true.

If you’re just like me who has felt real heartbreak I’m sure you can understand the difficulties of figuring out what you can do to repair yourself. If you haven’t had the experience though, pray that you won’t because it can be the most painful thing you will ever go through in your life. More than a physical pain, it eats away at your mind and in your heart. It brings chaos to your thoughts and to your emotions until one day you may not have anything left to give. Getting into a relationship is a huge deal. You have to be ready to give everything you are to that one person that you truly love and you have to know that you’ll be serious about it. The problem is, most of us can’t tell how to do this, even me. That is why a lot of us younger crowd nowadays like to keep it casual when it comes to relationships. It’s less tiring and you won’t give as much of your time or your energy compared to being in real relationships.

When I had my heart broken the first time, I was young and stupid. I didn’t know any better then and looking back at it now, I just smile and and find comedy in realizing how much of an idiot I was. I learned a lot from the experience though and it started the building blocks of my knowledge when it comes to relationships. During my law school days, we had this debate. We were arguing on the topic of “first love never dies”. I’m sure that the people who were there won’t forget that day because it was a hell of a fun time. So there I was arguing for the defense which was quite hard to do seeing as I was in a relationship with someone at that time who wasn’t my “first love”. I had this stupid idea of a defense where I said that “your current love is actually your first love because if you ended things with the first love then it wasn’t true love at all”. This isn’t entirely true because the love that you have right now and who you are can only be attributed to what your past relationships taught you. You did at one time in your life loved that person but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a new one. One thing I learned from thinking about all of this is that love doesn’t have any black and white areas, at least from my experience. Love is a constantly changing concept that you can only understand in your own perfect timing.

Yes love can be blind, but it can also give you clarity. Yeah love can be crazy but it can make you do the most rational things in your life. And yes, love can be your death but it will be the one thing that can make you feel most alive.

I’m writing this with fresh scars in my heart so that I can truly express what being broken-hearted feels like.

To start off, there are days when you don’t feel like moving because of how numb you feel. You look at people, things, and the scenes around you and your senses don’t get enticed.. they don’t get interested. There’s no color, taste or excitement and you feel like time is not important. – You’re get stuck in limbo.

You envision her, making up stories of what she might be doing or she’s with. It eats you up inside. You can’t take it. You suffer. You even give yourself false hope to feel better about the whole situation and you make up dialogues of what can happen if you only asked her to stay. – You become pathetic.

But there are also days when you can live out normally and carry on like nothing has happened. You wake up, you get changed, you go out and you seemingly try to enjoy yourself. You give yourself and illusion of normalcy. Then all of a sudden, you stop. You remember… – You die inside.

This happens over and over and over and over again. For how long, I can’t say because it’s different for every person that goes through this sort of thing. It can be this way for months or even years. One constant thing though is that a lot of the things that you see, hear, and feel reminds you of what you had lost.

“Whenever I go to this place, I’m reminded of her and the time we…”

“Whenever I do something both of us used to do, I’m reminded of her and how she used to…”

“Whenever I listen to a song that strikes a nerve, I’m reminded of her and how she made me feel.”

“Whenever I see other people together, I’m reminded of her and how we used to be.”

I’m reminded.

The list just goes on and on and you will only realize that there’s no forgetting her, that there’s no path to moving on. This is even more so if you had a particularly bad breakup where you never got to talk things over, where there was no closure for anybody. I went through this. I thought that I would never be able to get out of that purgatory. Yeah I could do things normally without a problem but there would always be that moment of the day where you would just feel pain in your chest all of a sudden because of the fact that you’re reminded. You’re reminded of your failure. You’re reminded of your weakness. You’re reminded of your sins. In that moment, you are lost… You are broken.

Now if you ask a majority of people what their advice would be to those that have had their hearts broken, I’m fairly certain that most of them would tell you to just give it some time. They say that time heals and that you’ll get better eventually. – I disagree.. It’s not time that heals alone. It’s with your actions too. It’s what you choose to do during the time you’re recovering that will define what you will eventually become. A broken heart will give you the deepest cut that will tear the very essence of your soul and there’s no quick way to recovery. You will feel pain… deep and agonizing pain for a time. Also, you will feel despair like you’ve never felt before in your life and you will feel regret. I find it odd that a lot of people choose to look away from regret and tell themselves that they had no regrets for the wrong things they did. I call bullshit on that one. You have to admit regret if you want to recover. Regret gives you pain which you need to feel the desire to change what is wrong.

On my part, I felt I deserved to get heartbroken. I’ve felt regret and I’ve felt hopelessness. It’s kind of like losing a loved one to death. You’re taken back to all those times which you could’ve done better to change things. You reminisce and tell yourself that it was your fault all along. You realize that if you never took her for granted, you wouldn’t be in this situation that you’re in… These are just some of the things you think of when you’re broken-hearted. Believe me when I say that there’s a lot more one can feel at a time like this that no words can ever reflect the true meaning of… sorrow, despair.

Heartbreak is a nasty fucker, ain’t it? It creeps up on you when you think you’ve finally moved on and be happy. It gives you fear in times when you feel like you’ve found hope. And it brings you back to hell when you think that you’ve created something new. I’ve felt the urge of picking up my phone and texting her. I’ve felt the temptation of writing an e-mail to her every time I log into my computer. And I’ve even thought of just dropping all doubt and just go to her. But… How will I ever move on? Is there even something as moving on? For me, there wasn’t. There isn’t.

You will always feel something for that person that you’ve lost. It can still be as strong as what was once your erupting volcano of a love or could be as weak as a tiny skip in your heartbeat when you see that person again. The truth is, you will feel something. If it was just a little fling or some kind of infatuation then definitely no. What I’m talking about here are real relationships like that one girlfriend you had for years or that wife you’ve divorced from. Seeing your ex is always awkward, maybe not from the way you act but definitely by the way you feel inside. Honestly, that’s alright. It proves to you that it was real and that it wasn’t just some hookup that you got into. Feeling all sorts of emotions when dealing with relationships just proves to you that you’re a normal human being and that you were in a special relationship at one time in your life. In my opinion, to get on with your life you need to face the fact that you can’t move on. What you need to do is move forward and there’s a difference between the two.

Moving on entails trying to forget the love that you lost and trying to do everything to bury those thoughts of her in your mind. If you do this, you will never completely heal and you will never be fair to the next one that comes along who’s going to heal your wounds. Moving on puts you in a position where all you do is center what you’re trying to do on the problem that you had or having right now. It isn’t healthy that any person goes through that kind of experience. You’ll be forever stuck at the concept of “her”. She will always have control over your life and you’ll still be that person she left. She is going to be that shadow that keeps following you wherever you go. You will always be trying to prove to yourself that she made a mistake in leaving you and that will be the end of you. If you’re going to start anew, don’t do it because of her. Do it for yourself. If you don’t, she will still be poison in your heart making its way to every part of your body keeping you broken and letting you live in an illusion of a world where you think you’re all right because you “moved on”. What you should do is “move forward” and accept the fact that you got your heart shattered into a million pieces. Accept that fact that you lost, you failed. Accept the fact that you were wrong, that you wronged. Then, learn to forgive. Forgive yourself for hurting her and doing things that you regret. Forgive her for leaving you and breaking your heart. Forgiveness goes a long way and I’ve found that it is the very best medicine that’s far superior to any painkiller you will take. Yes, you won’t forget her and you’ll have to live with the fact that you might always love her in some way but that doesn’t mean that you can’t turn your attention to the new and more important things in your life. I’ve learned that you can create new love which will totally depend on you and you alone if you can actually make it better than the last one. It’s all up to you if you want to stay broken or not. I think that you have to do things that are important to you and thing that what you think are right. Don’t let the negative emotions you feel be any basis for decisions you will make. I personally don’t want to be driven to do things out of revenge or hatred. Hatred spawns more hatred and that is something that I’m not willing to share with other people.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons from having my heart broken. I’ve learned how big my capacity was to love because I never thought I would ever feel pain like what I’ve been through. The more pain I felt, the more I realized that it was because of how much I loved her. I’ve learned that it’s alright to admit your mistakes and accept them. I mean, you have to be a man to admit them if you had the balls to commit them in the first place. I’ve also learned that you can’t force love. You just have to let it happen and caress it to guide its path into a better light. I’ve learned that its alright to fight for love and do crazy things because let’s face it, being in love puts you in crazy times. You can shout, get angry, cry, and fight all you want. If you get her back then that’s good but if you don’t, move forward. There’s always a choice on what to do next. Life doesn’t stop just because your heart got crushed.

One of my best friends told me that there was a medical condition called Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy or The Broken-Heart Syndrome which people can actually suffer because of certain factors that are similar to what you can get from a broken heart. One of the effects of this medical condition is that your heart becomes enlarged or that there is some sort of ballooning that’s going to happen. I jokingly told her “Hey, that just means that every time you get a broken heart, it becomes larger so that there’s more room for the next person that comes along”. There’s actually some wisdom in there if you want to look at it in a more positive way. The person that might come along after you had your heart broken might be the one and all you can do is try your best to create something special with her. You have to take the lessons that you learned from your broken heart and you just have to try better. Love requires trial and error. I’m not saying thought that you should rush into a new relationship immediately. As I’ve said before, there’s a lot more to life. I’ve learned that if you focus more on certain aspect of your life such as your career and your friends, you can learn to be happy through them as well. By making yourself a better version of you, you’ll be fixing that person that was left behind and you’ll be giving a much better gift to the one that will come and fix you up. You can think of it like that if you want. I’m not ruling anything out on what the future holds. There’s fun in thinking about what comes next. That alone should give you life in the road to recovery. You don’t know what’s going to happen. Today you might be down and out and feeling like the world is out to get you but tomorrow that same world could give you hope and inspire you to get up and do something productive. Life surely is strange.

So yeah, this is what it’s like for a guy like me to experience heartbreak and pain. It’s not all daisies and roses but it is what it is. Maybe some recover faster and move forward immediately while others may move at a slower pace. To each his own. Maybe others feel a lot differently from what I’ve written down here and that’s how it really is. Every experience is unique. It’s no wonder why love has no exact meaning. Only you can define what love is for you. Only you can make yourself recover from the pain of heartbreak. Only you can choose for yourself to move forward. It’s your story.

Til’ the next one.

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