Broken

Sometimes, we don’t get what we deserve.

I thought I was doing alright, being in love and not having a care in the world. I thought I had finally won. We search all our lives for that something we had always wanted, something that we can call our own personal win. Not everyone can ever get to that point in their life. I did, or so I thought. Yes, I thought I had definitely won…

And then I woke up.

I woke up with a wound in my chest, from my heart being ripped apart and pulled away from my body, leaving me an empty shell of who I was the day before. I woke up, numb, confused, and alone.

Why? Why did this happen to me? I thought I had payed my debt for the darkness that I once held. I thought I was free to be the hero of my new story. I thought I was saved.

You told me you loved me and you promised me three things. One, you promised that we would always talk everyday. Two, you promised that you would never leave me. And three, you promised that you would never cheat on me. We did all of those things, and it wasn’t enough. Where did I go wrong? What was I lacking? Was I not good enough for you? or did you want something more. More than me.

I never missed a day talking to you. I’d let you know what I was doing and who I was with. I was honest and would be your anchor from all the hardships you experienced on your end. I told you that communication was the key to a good relationship, and what happiness we had was because of it. Whatever might have changed in the way we talked, I thought that we could overcome those things just because of the fact that we loved each other and that we would find a way to be better. We weren’t perfect and what we had was difficult, but I never thought for a second that the difficulty was enough to push you over the edge and make you decide to give up on this, on me. I thought you loved me more than that.

I never for a second thought that we both could take it easy or that we couldn’t do this. Long distance relationships do suck, but why do we get into it in the first place? It’s because we loved each other, right? It was never in my mind to leave you or give up on what we had because it got too hard. Yes, there were days when I was lonely, even stretches of weeks where I felt like I was torturing myself by not being with you everyday. But I never left you, I kept my word and was always there when you needed me. I am sure you were feeling more lonely than me because I was your first and I was too far away for that everyday comfort that you yearned for. But I thought love meant you were more than that. I thought love meant you were stronger than that.

This was also the first relationship I’ve had where I was one hundred percent faithful all throughout. I never once looked in another direction at any women who passed me by. No random chats, no flirting stares, not even any hint of wrongdoing whatsoever. Not because I forced myself to, but because I didn’t feel the need to. You gave me all the satisfaction that a man could want and need. You gave me everything that I’ve ever prayed for and for that, I never ceased to be faithful to you. I kept all of those promises and look at where it has gotten me. While you… yes, you didn’t do anything to break this promise as well, but you planted the seeds of it. You found comfort in another by giving him attention and by finding pleasure in it. Couldn’t you have told me? Couldn’t you have asked me to give you that attention you so desired? Why did it get to the point where a man other than me can think that he is in love with you so? It hurts so much to think that the love of your life would do this to you. It hurts so fucking much to be told honestly that there can be another person who could bring happiness other than you. Honesty is fucked up.

With all that I had experienced before you, I thought I was ready for anything that may come my way. I thought I was steeled and hardened from years of heartbreak and despair and that I would never be hurt like the way I was hurt before. I was wrong. The pain that I now feel with you gone is only matched by the amount of love I have for you. The shrieking sensation of being stabbed in the chest over and over again, the overwhelming nausea that I experience everywhere I look, the lack of oxygen in the air I breathe, the burn of the tears that flow down my skin. I have never felt anything like this before. I thought that heartbreak was passive and acted like a poison infecting it’s victim. Now I know different. It is also a physical hurt that you won’t expect that comes when you least expect it. The more you love, the more it hurts… and for me, this is hell.

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

Those were the words you spoke when you chose to end us. You chose to save yourself and abandon me where I stood. The disbelief I felt then and there was something I didn’t see coming. Even if I knew beforehand what was coming, no amount of time could prepare me for how I felt at that moment. You may have chosen to end us, but you ended me as well. What I poured into you, into us, all the goodness I had built up was wiped away in an instant. The darkness that once was within me came creeping back. It strives on the light from the sun that had now set on my life. I was back to being the shadow.

Even up to now as I write this, I question whether I can get out of this denial. Am I in a nightmare? Will I wake up? My soul is crushed. The mental anguish is unbearable, too unbearable.

The logical conclusion to all of the pain that you brought me is that you don’t love me as much as I love you because if you did, you would’ve been stronger for me, for us. Now how am I supposed to trust anyone after this? How long will it be before I come back to normalcy? You completely leave me in devastation, the love of your life, torn to shreds. Am I to be your sacrifice for a better life? How disappointed I am. To be abandoned in the darkness is not what I expected what you’d do to me. I got blindsided, and it hurts too damn much to keep walking forward. The trust I gave you was unlike the trust I had given anyone else. I trusted you with all of my secrets, all of my past, all of my heart. And you so easily threw it away into the air.

You’re cruel, weak, and a coward.

You left me with the worst possible circumstances, at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way. You didn’t just leave me here to be confused and alone. You left me here without even the glimmer of hope that you’d come back one day. You left me while going home where the comfort of another awaits you. The unknown of it kills me inside. Now I wonder where you are, what you are doing or who you’re with and all of these thoughts create chaos. You have damned me to a place that I didn’t wanna return to. And you said you’d trust that I would survive? That is just cruel. You come into my home, into my world, to show me love for the last time with me not knowing you were lifting your foot to slam it back down and squash me like a bug.

I am obliterated.

The last 24 hours I spent with you after you told me that you didn’t want me anymore was the most cruel and lonely day of my life. It was the worst. The love of my life, lying next to me, about to be gone forever. I’d never be able to hold you again the way I always do. I wouldn’t be able to touch your face again, to caress it and kiss it lovingly and tenderly. I wouldn’t be able to tell you how much I love you while me eyes were imprinting my soul unto yours. You were cold. You had lost that warmth that you’d given me all this time. Because you were holding back. I could still feel the love, but what I could feel even more was restraint. You had said you wanted to see me for one last time, and it was a cruel thing for you to be in front of me, after ending me, and still be held but not give it your all. I became an empty shell. You closed your door to me. I stared into the ceiling all night, nauseated, wanting things to end for me. It was worse than when I almost drowned. It was worse than all the combined heartbreaks I’ve ever experienced. It was the worst thing that happened in my life.

What a pathetic fool I am.

With all the growing hatred for everything I now feel, even you, I still can’t shake the fact that I love you more than you or anybody else will ever know. I can see you everywhere. I dreamed of you just before I woke up to write this. I can smell you on my clothes, on my bed, and in my car. You are everywhere. How do you expect me to move forward when I left my heart with you?

This night is cold in the kingdom

I can feel you fade away

From the kitchen to the bathroom sink and

Your steps keep me awake

Don’t cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste

I once was a man with dignity and grace

Now i’m slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace

So please, please

Could you find a way to let me down slowly?

A little sympathy, i hope you can show me

If you wanna go then i’ll be so lonely

If you’re leaving baby let me down slowly

These are the lyrics to the song that I loop over and over right now. How poetic is it that up until the end of what we had, there are always signs, songs, moments and random things that reflect the state that we are in. It’s not magic anymore. You made it that way. Up until the end you called me “Love”. You’re leaving love behind then?

So, what now? You told me to take it one day at a time, and after just having a day without you in my life, the pain is so unbearable. I have not known what true despair is until now. On the day that we spent after telling me you would leave me, you saw me cry my heart out. I was as open to you as I always am. I showed you the bare makings of my soul and still you held your restraint. You had become cold to me. Yes, you did cry. But you already knew that when you went to my home for the last time. I didn’t. That day was a countdown for me to see the love of my life going inside the airport to never come back. I stood there watching you line up, realizing that you had left me. I went inside my car, drove back around maybe to see you still there… But you were gone. So I went, I went and I went and I stopped. I stopped at the side of the road and shouted out all of my hatred and all of my despair. I thought I was all out of tears. I was wrong. I cried on the side of the road, this time with no one to hold me. No one to comfort me. No one to tell me it’s going to be alright. I was truly alone now. I am truly alone now.

I had thought that what you did to me was going to give light to the rebirth of a villain, but now I don’t think that’s what is going to happen. For one, at least I’d be something. But no, there isn’t enough lift to give birth or the rebirth of something. An empty shell does not give life to anything. There is no light within. You took that light when you walked away. When you turned your back on me, you had taken everything that I ever believed in to be salvation and turned it all upside down. Emptiness does not turn into anything. I am empty, oh so empty inside.

What am I going to do with all this love that you left behind? I say I’m empty but that I also still love you so? I don’t know what to think anymore? I don’t know what to do with all these contradictions and hatred. I wanna pray for all of these things that I feel to be taken away from me. I wanna pray for all of my emotions to be taken so that at least I would feel nothing anymore. I can’t stand the pain that is growing in me, I just can’t. But I can’t pray for these things because I don’t want to lose the love I have for you.

I love you.

You alone understand what those three words mean between us. They aren’t words that reflect the infatuation that we once had. They aren’t words that fill the void of our longing for each other every day. They aren’t just words that I say to you if I don’t have anything else to say. When I breathe in before I say those words, I take everything that I feel for you, everything that my brain knows about you, everything that I see in you and they all warmly and soundly intertwine into a fuel of emotion and happiness that when I utter the words of I, love, and you they mean so much more. They are me being me, letting you feel know know that my soul has interconnected itself into yours and that you know it to be truthful, sincere and complete. As I exhale the words out of my mouth or as type the words to send to you, every bit of air or every bit of pixel that you see reflects and encompasses all the hardships, all the joy, and everything in between what we shared. You became my life and the love we had was unreal. That’s why I couldn’t believe you would throw it all away. I couldn’t believe that you would think that you didn’t love me as much as I loved you.

Now I’m hoping that you come back one day, wanting me back. I wish for you to not let my sacrifice be in vain but I hope more that you would choose the love you left behind. You abdicated what was real in the hope of something that could find something better. I fail to see why it can’t be both. Do I hope for you to be stronger? or do I hope to be repaired? I don’t know anything anymore.

I have nothing left. I have nothing more. I am nothing. I am broken. I love you.

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